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December 23, 2011

Odd Man Out

Odd Man Out

Have you ever been somewhere & felt like you just didn't fit in?  Like everyone was in this special club and you weren't a part of it?  Or you didn't get the "invite" to the party?  The butt of every joke was you?  Everyone stops talking when you enter the room.....?

Yeah....that is how I've felt since coming back to work. 

Everyone seemed so excited for me to come back.  I felt my self-worth fill up a little.  My knowledge of our system at work is something many people would compliment me on & it felt good to receive those compliments.

I don't know what happened within my 2 months of being back at work, but whatever it is has put me in a rut...a darkness...a sadness...somewhat of a depression.  Perhaps it is a combination of a couple things - 1 definitely being missing my kids.  The other....well....feeling like I have disappointed everybody's expectations of what I should know how to do here at work has definitely contributed.

Many of you have seen my posts about "Middle Child Syndrome" and because of this, disappointing people cuts my chest open and rips my heart out.  I strive to perfect my skills & when I fail, I fall hard and it takes a lot to get back up out of that pit.  So when I get those glaring eyes looking at me in disappointment I can't help but break down.

I feel I have let down my children by leaving them to go back to work - I feel I have let down my boss & co-workers for not being "all-in" at work - I feel I have let down my husband by not being able to do things I used to be able to when I stayed home - I feel like a complete failure.

Luckily - an opportunity has opened up for me to be able to take a part-time position.  This seems ideal for many reasons.  The most important reason - being able to be home with my kids more often than I am now.  Yes, all of you who thought I was crazy for going back to work full-time can tell me "I told you so."  I thought I was ready but it is completely apparent that I wasn't.  Some of the other reasons are mostly work related.  Not "taking my job home with me" like I have been with this position, still having an income, getting out of the house, etc.  Still being able to be a wife & mom while doing a little work....this part-time position has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders (along with a lot of prayer). 

Hopefully there will be less posts about "woe is me" here soon.  I don't like this deep & dark rut I'm in but its hard to get out of when I am as unhappy as I am with the position I am in.

Oh the life of a former stay at home mom................

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